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THE TOTALLY UNREMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF A WORLD CLASS UNDER-ACHIEVER. . . SUB-CHAPTER. . . WHERE YOU LEARN THINGS THAT AREN’T A BIT USEFUL. . .
Okay. . .uh. . .Look. . .Harper Bailey wanted me to do this and seeing that he‘s my very best friend, and seeing as I got a soft spot for the dopey guy. . .I said I’d humor him. . .so, here I am, standing in his parent’s basement talking to.. . .er. . .well. . . Nobody if you ask me. . . but, Harper Bailey says there’re people who watch us. . .so just in case he’s right. . .I want you to know I’m not a total creep. . .but gotta tell you, I feel real stupid. . .okay, Anyway. . .he says to just tell something. . .like What?. . . Oh, I know. . .
I‘ll tell you how we all met, just in case you wonder. . .
Well, it was in grade school. . .first grade, I think. . .well, at least that’s how I remember it. . .least I can say I think I was in the first grade when I first saw Harper Bailey fall off the slide and whack himself on the butt when he landed. . .now, if he had hit himself in the head it would explain a lot. . .but, that’s not how it happened. . .so your guess is as good as any as to why he’s like how he’s like. . .
He was such a cute little guy, even then, and I got to tell you, I felt sorry for him. . .who wouldn’t?. . . he was such a scrawny kid, just bones and hair, but he had a real nice smile and was real eager to be friends with anyone who would talk to him. . .problem was, nobody ever did. . .
Now, I probably should just tell you straight up that even then I had a crush on him. . .don’t know why. . .maybe it’s ‘cuz even though he had no friends, he just didn’t seem to notice. . .poor little sucker thought people liked him, and it made me mad when they picked on him and he didn’t seem to see it. . .okay. . . The Truth?. . .It broke my heart. . .Yeah, I know. . .to hear people tell it I don’t have one. . .but. . .When it comes to Harper Bailey. . .well. . .let’s just put it this way. . .had a crush on him then, have a crush on him now and I probably always will. . . Just saying. . . But he don’t know that, so. . .Zip It, you dig?
. . .anyway. . .so there he was, dressed all weird with those stupid (and I mean for real stupid) rubber boots he was always wearing back then, like he expected a flood or something. . .and down the slide he comes, but Harper Bailey don’t stop, you see. . .he just keeps sliding until. . .BAM. . .smack flat on his butt. . .now, you know that had to hurt. . .
. . .so, I says to him. . .”Hey, kid. . .you okay?” and I think he’s crying, cuz he won’t look at me, but then I hear that little snickering he’s always doing. . .you know. . .“hehehehehe“. . .and I think, ‘What’s up with him?’
. . .and he looks up at me with the dumbest smile I’ve ever seen. . .Oh my god. . .I can still see it now. . .and it was then I guess that I started having these feelings him. . .hey, I seen lots of kids fall off a slide. . .they whine or bawl or scream. . .but, he’s smiling. . .like nothing happened. . .like it’s all some big dumb adventure. . .
. . .and he says, happy as can be, “I’m Harper Bailey!”
And then he says to me. . .and this is what got to me and started all this mess I got going on with him. . . “You gonna be my friend Now, Right?”. . .and you could see in his eyes it meant the world to him. . .
And I said, “Yeah, Harper Bailey. . .I’m gonna be your friend.” or something like that. . .I probably really said “Yeah. . .whatever. . .“. . .but, hey, give me a break here. . .it was like 12 years ago. . .so sue me if I get the words a little messed up. . .I’m telling you a story here, not giving a freakin’ deposition. . .
. . .so, while I’m talking to Harper Bailey, I see Kirby outta the corner of my eye, and he‘s just standing there, you know, like he‘s trying to figure something out. . .now, Kirby was a shy kid, all nervous and stuff. . .and I know he liked me. . .but. . .well. . .he was a little hard to be around back then. . .always freaking out about something or other, all spaz. . .and when you’re a kid, stuff like that just looks crazy. . .but he had those big sad eyes he’s still got and I was a sucker even then for big sad eyes. . .so. . .
. . .when he asked me to a party he was having. . .course I said yes. . .man, you should’ve seen them eyes of his when I said that. . .like he was about to bust out crying at any minute. . .
. . .and then that dopey Harper Bailey says to this kid he don‘t even know. . . “And I’m coming, too, Right?” and Kirby’s so happy someone’s asking him if they can come rather than the other way around, he don’t even bother to ask who Harper Bailey is, he just says “Sure!” and then Harper Bailey does the weirdest thing. . .
. . .he starts singing; “I’m Goin’ To A Party, I’m Goin’ To A Party! Hey-Ho. . .Hey-Ho. .
. . .look, it was crap like that that got him picked on. . .but what can you say about a kid that happy?. . .Hmmmm?. . . I mean, yeah. . .it was really geeky. . .but, man. . .melted my heart. . .like I thought. . .‘Somebody’s got to look after this kid. . .he’s gonna get himself beat up or something‘. . . .and that’s what I’ve been trying to do ever since. . .just look after him. . .and believe me, he don’t make it easy. . .
Now. . .Taylor and Josh are on the playground that day. . .I knew Josh, he lived next door to me, so we always hung around; now Josh is a geek athlete. . .you know; smart but good at sports. . .and he’s musical. . .so. . .what group’s gonna claim him, huh?. . .turns out nobody wants him; ain’t enough one thing or the other. . .and I knew Taylor. . .how would I not?. . .Josh has got this huge crush on her and like stalks her . . .you know what I mean. . .not “Stalks Her” like some menace. . .follows her around. . .but Taylor, she don’t notice Josh so much. . .she’s got a crush on Kirby. . .now, look. . .Taylor’s one of those girls that get’s snarky crap said about her all the time; she's pretty, even then and she’s real smart. . .and that combination get’s a girl on lots of people’s hate list. . .
. . .so anyway. . .Kirby’s talking to me, Taylor’s looking at Kirby, Josh is looking at Taylor, and I’m trying to keep an eye on Harper Bailey. . .just to make sure he don’t do something stupid. . .and what do I see?. . .Harper Bailey’s heading back up the ladder of that dumb slide. . .
. . .and don’t you know. . .butt bang all over again. . .I don’t think Harper Bailey ever figured out that slide. . .
. . .now this time around he makes it a point to pass Taylor. . .man, what a little dope he was. . .and acting like he’s some kind of Casanova, gives her the eye and says, “Hey girl”. . .and she just stares. . .you know, like she can’t believe it. . .
. . .anyway. . .I introduced everybody seeing as how I’m the one everybody seemed to know even though they didn’t know each other. . .and we all went to Kirby’s party that weekend. . .Harper Bailey spilled ice cream all down the front of himself, got ketchup in his hair, for a while had a wad of gum stuck up his nose (I dared him to), tracked cake all over Mrs. Kirkwood’s living room carpet. . .don’t know how he managed to step in cake, broke a lamp dancing by himself . . . and had the best time any kid ever had at a party. . .
And so. . .that’s us. . .and we all been hanging together ever since. . .Omygod!. . .What the Huh?. . .Why’m I doing this? . . . This is so freakin’ stupid I Can’t Even Believe It. . .the crap I do for that freakin‘ dope. . .
Harper Bailey?!. . . Harper Bailey!?!. . .Dude!. . . DAMMIT!!!!. . .HARPER BAILEY!?!!. . .Will You Let Me Outta This Freakin’ Basement?!. . .Look, I did it. . .Okay?. . .Swear I Did. . .Can We Go Home Now?!. . .HARPER BAILEY LET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!
HARPER BAILEY!!!! UNLOCK THIS DOOR!!!!. . .
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13 Comment(s) posted so far
#4 On Oct 30, 2011 Milii454 wrote:
Aww, little kiddies are soo cute! Harper Bailey didn't need a haircut then though :P. It's so nice to see that he was always mental
. Great mini update and congrats on the feature! 
#5 On Oct 30, 2011 Hellsaint wrote:
haha... I can understand how Margo feels! But its like... y'know... the mess makes me go into zen mode alot easier!
oh man... that's how everyone was when they were kids? looks like nothing changed 
totally hilarious... and Harper Bailey got Zach to do the basement thing... that was impressive 
Great chapter, had me grinning 
#6 On Oct 30, 2011 EatTheDead wrote:
Harper Bailey is such a loveable little guy! I like how they all have unique personality
I'm really looking forward to new chapter.
#7 On Oct 30, 2011 fredbrenny wrote:
Lovely lovely
and Zach... you are still such a kid! Like all of them! Seems to me that Tailor (a woman ... hahaha... of course) is most mature now... Loved this 
Great half story!!! 
#8 On Oct 30, 2011 fabrizioammollo wrote:
LOL! This is hilarious! They were such cute children. It is impressive how almost all about them was already there, maybe still at an embryonal level, but definitely there!
#9 On Oct 31, 2011 rosenoire87 wrote:
I can feel the love you put into your characters (not to sound too cheesy
) especially Harper Bailey. Really enjoyed the POV of this chapter and as usual well written. Young Harper was pretty adorable 
still the same look in his eyes 
Congrats on the feature
#10 On Oct 31, 2011 fruitopia wrote:
Harper Bailey (love the name) thanks for the pick me up at work today, needed stress relief.
#11 On Oct 31, 2011 urm0m wrote:
Haha bless little Harper :P
#12 On Nov 2, 2011 RatRaceRob wrote:
Sooo fantastic to see the whole crowd in a flashback-- have I ever mentioned I love flashbacks? I do. And this one was awesome
. Thank you, Zach, for this narrated trip down the funtimes of memory lane. I think Harper Bailey should leave you down there another hour until you give us another one 
#13 On Nov 3, 2011 spitzmagic wrote:
LOL...BRavo...congrats Orlov on this featured chapter...it was simply fantastic...I smiled all the way through it....ok ok ok I think you have successfully convinced me that there is nothing wrong with harper Baily ROFL......
