THE TOTALLY UNREMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF A WORLD CLASS UNDER-ACHIEVER. . . SUB-CHAPTER. . . WHERE YOU LEARN THINGS THAT ARENíT A BIT USEFUL. . .
Okay. . .uh. . .Look. . .Harper Bailey wanted me to do this and seeing that heĎs my very best friend, and seeing as I got a soft spot for the dopey guy. . .I said Iíd humor him. . .so, here I am, standing in his parentís basement talking to.. . .er. . .well. . . Nobody if you ask me. . . but, Harper Bailey says thereíre people who watch us. . .so just in case heís right. . .I want you to know Iím not a total creep. . .but gotta tell you, I feel real stupid. . .okay, Anyway. . .he says to just tell something. . .like What?. . . Oh, I know. . .
IĎll tell you how we all met, just in case you wonder. . .
Well, it was in grade school. . .first grade, I think. . .well, at least thatís how I remember it. . .least I can say I think I was in the first grade when I first saw Harper Bailey fall off the slide and whack himself on the butt when he landed. . .now, if he had hit himself in the head it would explain a lot. . .but, thatís not how it happened. . .so your guess is as good as any as to why heís like how heís like. . .
He was such a cute little guy, even then, and I got to tell you, I felt sorry for him. . .who wouldnít?. . . he was such a scrawny kid, just bones and hair, but he had a real nice smile and was real eager to be friends with anyone who would talk to him. . .problem was, nobody ever did. . .
Now, I probably should just tell you straight up that even then I had a crush on him. . .donít know why. . .maybe itís Ďcuz even though he had no friends, he just didnít seem to notice. . .poor little sucker thought people liked him, and it made me mad when they picked on him and he didnít seem to see it. . .okay. . . The Truth?. . .It broke my heart. . .Yeah, I know. . .to hear people tell it I donít have one. . .but. . .When it comes to Harper Bailey. . .well. . .letís just put it this way. . .had a crush on him then, have a crush on him now and I probably always will. . . Just saying. . . But he donít know that, so. . .Zip It, you dig?
. . .anyway. . .so there he was, dressed all weird with those stupid (and I mean for real stupid) rubber boots he was always wearing back then, like he expected a flood or something. . .and down the slide he comes, but Harper Bailey donít stop, you see. . .he just keeps sliding until. . .BAM. . .smack flat on his butt. . .now, you know that had to hurt. . .
. . .so, I says to him. . .ĒHey, kid. . .you okay?Ē and I think heís crying, cuz he wonít look at me, but then I hear that little snickering heís always doing. . .you know. . .ďheheheheheď. . .and I think, ĎWhatís up with him?í
. . .and he looks up at me with the dumbest smile Iíve ever seen. . .Oh my god. . .I can still see it now. . .and it was then I guess that I started having these feelings him. . .hey, I seen lots of kids fall off a slide. . .they whine or bawl or scream. . .but, heís smiling. . .like nothing happened. . .like itís all some big dumb adventure. . .
. . .and he says, happy as can be, ďIím Harper Bailey!Ē
And then he says to me. . .and this is what got to me and started all this mess I got going on with him. . . ďYou gonna be my friend Now, Right?Ē. . .and you could see in his eyes it meant the world to him. . .
And I said, ďYeah, Harper Bailey. . .Iím gonna be your friend.Ē or something like that. . .I probably really said ďYeah. . .whatever. . .ď. . .but, hey, give me a break here. . .it was like 12 years ago. . .so sue me if I get the words a little messed up. . .Iím telling you a story here, not giving a freakiní deposition. . .
. . .so, while Iím talking to Harper Bailey, I see Kirby outta the corner of my eye, and heĎs just standing there, you know, like heĎs trying to figure something out. . .now, Kirby was a shy kid, all nervous and stuff. . .and I know he liked me. . .but. . .well. . .he was a little hard to be around back then. . .always freaking out about something or other, all spaz. . .and when youíre a kid, stuff like that just looks crazy. . .but he had those big sad eyes heís still got and I was a sucker even then for big sad eyes. . .so. . .
. . .when he asked me to a party he was having. . .course I said yes. . .man, you shouldíve seen them eyes of his when I said that. . .like he was about to bust out crying at any minute. . .
. . .and then that dopey Harper Bailey says to this kid he donĎt even know. . . ďAnd Iím coming, too, Right?Ē and Kirbyís so happy someoneís asking him if they can come rather than the other way around, he donít even bother to ask who Harper Bailey is, he just says ďSure!Ē and then Harper Bailey does the weirdest thing. . .
. . .he starts singing; ďIím Goiní To A Party, Iím Goiní To A Party! Hey-Ho. . .Hey-Ho. .
. . .look, it was crap like that that got him picked on. . .but what can you say about a kid that happy?. . .Hmmmm?. . . I mean, yeah. . .it was really geeky. . .but, man. . .melted my heart. . .like I thought. . .ĎSomebodyís got to look after this kid. . .heís gonna get himself beat up or somethingĎ. . . .and thatís what Iíve been trying to do ever since. . .just look after him. . .and believe me, he donít make it easy. . .
Now. . .Taylor and Josh are on the playground that day. . .I knew Josh, he lived next door to me, so we always hung around; now Josh is a geek athlete. . .you know; smart but good at sports. . .and heís musical. . .so. . .what groupís gonna claim him, huh?. . .turns out nobody wants him; ainít enough one thing or the other. . .and I knew Taylor. . .how would I not?. . .Josh has got this huge crush on her and like stalks her . . .you know what I mean. . .not ďStalks HerĒ like some menace. . .follows her around. . .but Taylor, she donít notice Josh so much. . .sheís got a crush on Kirby. . .now, look. . .Taylorís one of those girls that getís snarky crap said about her all the time; she's pretty, even then and sheís real smart. . .and that combination getís a girl on lots of peopleís hate list. . .
. . .so anyway. . .Kirbyís talking to me, Taylorís looking at Kirby, Josh is looking at Taylor, and Iím trying to keep an eye on Harper Bailey. . .just to make sure he donít do something stupid. . .and what do I see?. . .Harper Baileyís heading back up the ladder of that dumb slide. . .
. . .and donít you know. . .butt bang all over again. . .I donít think Harper Bailey ever figured out that slide. . .
. . .now this time around he makes it a point to pass Taylor. . .man, what a little dope he was. . .and acting like heís some kind of Casanova, gives her the eye and says, ďHey girlĒ. . .and she just stares. . .you know, like she canít believe it. . .
. . .anyway. . .I introduced everybody seeing as how Iím the one everybody seemed to know even though they didnít know each other. . .and we all went to Kirbyís party that weekend. . .Harper Bailey spilled ice cream all down the front of himself, got ketchup in his hair, for a while had a wad of gum stuck up his nose (I dared him to), tracked cake all over Mrs. Kirkwoodís living room carpet. . .donít know how he managed to step in cake, broke a lamp dancing by himself . . . and had the best time any kid ever had at a party. . .
And so. . .thatís us. . .and we all been hanging together ever since. . .Omygod!. . .What the Huh?. . .Whyím I doing this? . . . This is so freakiní stupid I Canít Even Believe It. . .the crap I do for that freakinĎ dope. . .
Harper Bailey?!. . . Harper Bailey!?!. . .Dude!. . . DAMMIT!!!!. . .HARPER BAILEY!?!!. . .Will You Let Me Outta This Freakiní Basement?!. . .Look, I did it. . .Okay?. . .Swear I Did. . .Can We Go Home Now?!. . .HARPER BAILEY LET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!
HARPER BAILEY!!!! UNLOCK THIS DOOR!!!!. . .
The Life and Times of Harper Bailey 3.5
Oct 30, 2011 by orlov
Moderator actions: Unpublish
Report this Story:
If you find a problem with this story or wish to report inappropriate content, click here