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Back for Good :]]
Yeah.. after 2 long years of not being here, I am back! ^____^ Its so good to be back playing again with TheSims.. since I have been really busy with school.. but now that I already graduated last june 23, 2013. I gained my freedom! I can now play whenever I like.. I missed being with TSR and my friends here.. I miss rating and commenting every creation the artists upload here :) So, I guess I'll just see you around Simmies!
The Hunter :|
I've been through with those dreams, I'm referring to those dreams I have also written here in my blog.. It has stopped hunting me but another hunter came.. Seems like the hunting will never stop.. and its hurting me too much you know..
But this new hunter is really weird though, its a number. Yes just simply a number but mean a lot to US..before, but today it mean a lot just to ME. The number represents me and my ex's anniversary.... our supposed to be anniversary is really approaching near and makes me uncomfortable and think of her a lot, its frustrating :(
Why I say the number is hunting me?? Because everytime I look at the time, the minutes slot exactly is our anniversary date, I mean it EVERYTIME I look at the time. Sometimes, even the hour slot represents the month of our anniversary and at the same time the minutes slot is exactly the date of our anniversary... Or maybe I am just paranoid? :(
Well, I do not know. All I am hoping for is to get rid of these feelings, of the painful flashbacks I had with her. But how can I? That it seems like everything is reminding me of her. I am too unlucky eh? Yes, I am. Man... I think its been already a year since we broke up and up until now I have not yet moved on totally. I know my situation really looks bad and maybe whoever reads this would say "Just move on! you deserve someone more better!" and other advices like that.. I'll tell you, I had tried my very best, the bestest to do that! ...but it seems not working on me even if I try more harder....... :(
I.. I just don't know what to do anymore... *sigh*
Incoming 19! :|
Here comes 19! Another year of breathing... I was born on November 4, 1992. Yes, that would be tomorrow exactly since here in our place the time is still 9:31 AM. I can say this birthday is the saddest birthday I ever had. Though its not yet nov.4 but whats happening recently in my life is depressing. I had a very tough year. There were happy times but most of it are the not so happy times...
I have never been this sad before my birthday comes, those past 18 years as I remembered I was happy and excited. But now, I don't know. Maybe because I had lost 'something' I cannot replace and its really hard for me to move on from it, I've been trying for almost a year now but still, I am not completely over it. The past year that 'something' was the happiest part of my life, it was just the best I ever had and maybe because I do not have it anymore, I am not happy or excited like the way I used to be.You ask whats that something eh? Heh.I don't want to mention it, but you will know it if you read my other blogs especially the "Dreams? What are they for?"..
Another thing that makes me sad because my siblings didn't contact me yet. Usually, at the very start of november they would contact me and greet me a happy birthday. But this year, they failed to contact me. On the past years too, they're with me celebrating my birthday but since they had married and busy from work, they couldn't make it to celebrate with me.Why? because my two elder siblings work far away from my country.The other works in USA and the one works in Ireland.Far isn't it?...
Another reason is...My closest friend, I can tell she is :) here at TSR is leaving and will be seldom to check the site. Lets hide her identity and call her "Rosenoire87" hahaha maybe you know her lol. I understand her reason of leaving, I know TSR is stressful :D. But I'm still happy because she wants to keep in touch with me :D. You take care of yourself buddy! I'll miss you for sure...and know that I'll be here at TSR waiting for you :)
Though I had a tough year I'm still thankful that I had reach this age so far :) I know there will be another mornings and nights and the sun will surely set for me :) I'm still thankful because life gave me friends who made my not so happy days to happy days :D Have a great day people, thanks for reading ;D
Significance!
I've been trying so hard to forget a love that needs to be forgotten. You know what's the hardest part?...
Its when everything seems to remind me about what I really wanted to forget so bad! ...
Like those haunted dreams I had, like waking up in the morning remembering what I had been trying so hard
to forget at night...
It made me more weak at first, but then I realized its significance...
Its all now part in my MEMORIES and I have to strive hard to make REALITIES!
When you're too inlove to let it go but if you'll never try you'll never JUST WHAT YOUR WORTH...
finally! :| for the story artists! :D
finally! My Big Love (Chapt. 3) is already out guys! YOU CAN READ IT HERE! I was having a hard time for it be accepted. It got rejected 3 times!yeah LOL...because I used some "insulting" words on the story (as they said) so that it may have really an impact but I changed to "what really was said" ..just little changes on some words. Now I know why some writers "quit" on making story here at TSR due to some conflicts, yeah I know lot of them :) and others just moved their stories into thier blogs (there's no problem writing anything). I am near to the point of deciding to continue my story writing on my blog BUT I had put my effort a lot on the screenshots and I already made chapter 3 to quit. And I want to continue entertaining my readers, thnks guys you're my inspiration :D
You know, in hoping stories may get accepted, the way the author wants to express it to the readers may change... to "what really happened" may change, "to what really was said" may change... man, it really takes some time to get stories accepted, its not that easy, so I salute ALL THE ARTISTS of all the stories that had been published at TSR, you've done a GREAT JOB! and I promise to read every single bit of your stories, all as possible! Its thanks for all the hard work and every stories deserved to be read...
again, sorry for the delay of My Big Love (Chapter 3)... Have a great day people ;D
Dreams? What are they? :x
It’s been two nights that i have dreamt about me getting back my ex and honestly it’s so frustrating :(...Yeah I admit, I’m not that over her TOTALLY since we broke up I think almost a year now..Why I’m still not over her TOTALLY you ask? I do not know either, maybe because I was too serious on her...Man; I gave everything to her the best that I could to make her happy ALWAYS. My friends knew how much sacrifice I did just for her and God knows how much I really love her... But I guess that’s just the way life is, at any time, everything can change even people’s feelings, I think it’s the most complex and unstable thing in the world. I have been trying my best to move on and then what? She just came in to my dreams and saying she’s wants me back? That is just so insane, I don’t want to keep my hopes up again just because of those DREAMS… I’ve had enough… It’s too painful and I don’t think I can take it anymore… every day I am hoping and praying that I would be over her soon COMPLETELY. I can say I am a bit okay now until those dreams appeared! It’s really bothersome :(… I had stopped thinking of her the past few months and just because of that DREAM it’s like I’m back to the very beginning of forgetting her. And I tell you, it’s too DAMN painful… I just thank my friends who are always there for me for they made me strong enough to face REALITY.
I just don’t get it, life took away the one I love and I have accepted it, that we can never be and then gave me that DREAM? Seriously, what are dreams? What do they represent? :(
Send my love to heaven :'(
Send my Love to Heaven
She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my feelings for her, that I love her not only because she's pretty and smart but also the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love. I could still remember the first time we met; I was five years old then. It was one windy afternoon having no one to play with except for my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to a neighboring state at transfer because his father got promoted. And so I climbed up our tree house, I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family station wagon following it. It stopped in front of the house and out came a family. I was about to glance away when came out the loveliest girl I've ever seen.
She was four years old that time but then even at an early age she was a beauty. She had long curly hair, which reached almost to her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes which could make a man lose his heart into them. I continued to watch her when suddenly she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and waved her hand. I waved back and then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, "Would you like to come up?" she answered, "May I?" So I help her climb up and when she reached the top she then turned to me and said, "By the way, my name's Sam, what's yours?" I answered, "My name is Christopher but then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, "Well I like your name. Hey your tree house's neat!" then I replied, "Thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hide out. We used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you know." She smiled and said "I'm here now, we could do things you do with Troy and I could be your new best friend too. I never had a boy for a friend before so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn how to play ball and I have my bicycle so we could go biking together. Now how does that sound to you?" I smiled and said, "Well that sounds good enough." Then she held her hand and said, "It's a deal then!"
So that's how it started. So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at first for she was a girl and there are things which I was little bit hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake and climbing trees, but then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still remember the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing baseball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant having to loose a week's allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a little kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with the tough guy when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remember Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damaged eye and later gave it a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and gave everything her little heart desires.
The lake was our favorite hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would pack food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other's dreams. She dreams of being a Ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.
As years went by, I noticed that my feelings towards her were slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But when I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting to be with her all the time, I thought it was something different, something that made me feel strange, but then it was exhilarating feeling. It made me feel so alive. Whenever our hands touch, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once when we were at the lake having our Saturday swim routine and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling in love with my best friend.
Many times I tried to deny the feeling for I was scared to imagine what would happen if ever I'd try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I'm taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feeling hidden.
We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How my heart aches wherever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her giving compliments, flowers and chocolates. There were times when I watch her at a distance with mixed feelings of anger and hurt! Because it hurts so much to know that there were so many things I wanted to tell her but then I could not do so. There were so many presents which I long to give her but then I could not for she might see me only as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much as losing her.
Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already had a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader was close to the basketball team to which Mark was the captain. When I saw them walking together at the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her wave at me but I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I'm feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy. Those days that followed where the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me with him at her side. Every time we meet in hallways and I see him around her, there's a feeling inside me that makes me want to grab her away from him. How it hurts to see the girl I long possess was now owned by somebody else. That special smile I long for her to cast on me was now casted on him. As she passes by me she doesn't know that I whisper the words "God how I love you."
Then one faithful day they broke up. She came too me that evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up with their break up. Mixed feelings were scaring me inside. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her but then I was feeling so bad because she is crying her heart out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure of what I wanted to do.
So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending time in our tree house. We still enjoyed doing childish pranks for we still are both young at heart. So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her but still I couldn't bring myself to her for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear of losing her again by telling her, "I love her". So I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be expressed from my aching heart.
It was a week from our JS Prom, we were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I was wondering Chris if you would like to be my partner?" It just got out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happen. It took me awhile to answer her, "I thought there are so many boys who would die for you to be their partner?" So she turned away and quietly said, "Well I just thought I would like to spend that night with my best friend." Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don't you want to die just like them to be my partner Chris?" I was too stunned to speak for it came close for me to blurt my feelings for her. We… we're silent for a while until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner Sam. "The she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy I felt that time. I saw her turned red and bowed her head. Suddenly she stood up and run towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats to sundae fudge!”I ran slowed up so that I would lose which meant having to have her with me for another three hours or more.
Our Prom night came. I bought a new tuxedo and poured almost the entire bottle of perfume. I went to fetch Sam. Sam's mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to come down. I was talking to her father when I heard her say, "How do I look?" I look up and saw her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair flowing around her face. I stood up and opened my mouth but found out I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand shakily fastened the corsage around her wrist and whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the whole world." She then asked, "Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back then I turned to open the door for her. When we arrived at the gymnasium we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. They were replaced with tuxedos and gowns. Then I held out her hand bowed and said, "Would you give me the honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curtseyed. Then I led her to the dance floor. It was like a dream coming true, a moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like waves enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her that moment. I wanted to tell that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in my darkness, but what I wanted to tell her the most was that I love her. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear but suddenly the music stopped and the magic was gone. I came close to telling her, but still haven't done it.
We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one and when I returned to our table, she was gone. I asked her friend, Katie, where she was but she told me that she doesn't know. So I went to search for her. As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There I saw two silhouette figures outlined by the moon's silvery light. They were so close to each other that I could never describe the feeling I had when I recognized the white dress that Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium.
Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather have left in ignorance of her true feelings for me than to hear from those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heart break. I didn't return her calls. I would not see her if she comes into our house. In the hallways, as she approaches I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things but then I thought that was the best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting but still I kept my pride.
The day of our graduation came. I was planning to take up medicine at a neighboring state and was to move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me, there was something in her eyes I couldn't describe. There was sadness in them and when she smiled it wasn't the same smile she had. I wanted to hug her at that moment, tell her that I love her but then she turned and walked away from me.
So I moved out the next day as I planned. Luckily, I was accepted at the university. I concentrated with my studies but still I think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her but still I could not stop myself from loving her. Each achievement I have was done for her. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her and by that time, I'm worthy of having her.
It was a year after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her and during the past year I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the plane, I went home directly, desperate to get to her house desperate to see her, to hug her. Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long time. This time I am determined to let her know my true feelings for her and I could not contain anymore the love I have for her. I reached their house; I saw her elder sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed she didn't smile back. I was confused for she used to be a cheerful lady just like my dear Sam. I then asked, "Hi Jen! I guess you're surprised why I'm here. Well I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know. Mmm… by the way have you seen her?" All I saw was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly "Come follow me."
I was confused with the way she's acting but still I followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation but she just answered my question briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction of the lake. It was still the same as I left it, with the same oak tree, Sam and I used to climb up. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It's been one of the happiest days in my life and I realized that I missed Sam more than I thought. Then Jen stopped walking and pointed to the tree. She then whispered, "There's Sam."
I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and desperately tried convincing myself that this is all just a nightmare and I would soon wake up. I stared at Jenny in disbelief with her eyes searching for explanations and she slowly started saying, "It has been a week since she died. She died of Leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking about you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to bury her here for she always regards this place as a place of LOVE. She said that this is where she had spent the happiest days and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She handed me a parcel and with that she left.
I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw a letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading........
******************************
Each time, you held me close to you, was like a dream coming true, for to be close to you and feel your heart beating next to mine was like heaven. So many things I did so that you will learn to love me but I NEVER saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much that I even tried to fool myself that you're in love with me too. So many nights I've cried when I think of myself unloved by you. Well you might think that what I'm saying are lies but, I tell you, my heart speaks the truth for I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love. I know you might be thinking of Mark; but I just did that to make you jealous, to make you see me as a young woman, capable of loving and not as the little girl you used to play with. Sometimes I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I just did that to know… how you would react and with that I'll know that you love me too. But I failed for you didn't give me any clue. When our prom night came, you just don't know how happy I was when you handed me the corsage and saying that I was the loveliest girl in the whole world. While we were dancing, I wanted so desperately to hear you say that you love me too but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I didn't want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There I explained to him that it's you whom I really love.
What happened next was that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me, I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but then you never gave me a chance to do so. You continuously avoided me and never knew how much pain I've experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me. In our Graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you… how much I loved you but I decided that I just couldn't do it. I could not bear to hear that all you feel for me is just brotherly hand of love. For I want you to love me as a woman and not as a girl or playmate. So I just turned away and left.
Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, but still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been and will be yours alone.
P.S.: Think of me sometimes... and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to shout out to let her know that I love her, if not as much, but more than she did for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching the soil of her grave and rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and whispered, "Oh God, send my love to heaven."
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