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Life and Times of Harper Bailey III
Published Oct 19, 2011


Written By

orlov

Storyteller
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THE TOTALLY UNREMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF A WORLD-CLASS UNDER-ACHIEVER

THE TOTALLY UNREMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF A WORLD-CLASS UNDER-ACHIEVER Harper Bailey sat and stared blankly into space. Do Nothing. . .that’s how he figured it. . .do nothing and maybe that “Thing”, that “Somebody” who was always flipping his life around might just get bored and go away.
“Harper Bailey?. . .Harper Bailey?. . .“ Taylor tried to get his attention, at the same time she tried to find something edible in the refrigerator. “You’ve been sitting there like that for a good solid hour. . . eewww! don’t you guys ever throw anything out? . . .Don’t you think you ought to get up and do something?”
“Nope. . .not me. . .nope. . .never gonna do anything ever again. . .”
“What’s the matter with you?. . .You’ve been acting for real crazy for the past three weeks. . .I’m getting worried. . .”
What’s The Matter? WHAT’S THE MATTER?!. . .Where’s she been?. . .
Look. . .okay. . .uh. . .this is what happened. . .that freakin’ stupid Somebody just couldn’t leave my life alone. . .and I mean for real stupid, ‘cause there ain’t nothin’ cool or sick or stupid about that stupid Somebody. . .
Okay. . .uh. . . so. . .like. . .I go to Zach, “Zach, don’t go messin’ with Kirby, dude. . .he’s. . .like. . .all bothered and trippin’ over you.” and Zach goes, “Why” and I go. . “Dude, like you don’t know“ and he‘s all like. . .duh. . .so I go, “You know. . .the secret?. . .” and he’s still actin’ like all dumb like he don’t know. . .so I says Cool, he don’t know. . .and then. . .I don’t know why. . .Zack goes to Kirby “What’s your secret little dude. . “ or something like that.. . . Oh. . .no. . .wait. . .or was that to me?. . .Oooh . . .no. . . uh. . Can‘t be me. . .like. . . How would I know what Kirby‘s secret is?. . .Huh?. . .Oh, never mind. . .anyway. . .somebody said something about Kirby being in love with Zach. . .I don’t know who. . .could’ve been me, but How Would I Know That?. . .like. . .am I some kind of mind reader or something?. . . Anyway. . .Zach figures it might be fun for a while. . .so like. . .I don’t know. . .they started dating. . .you can guess where that led. . .
So. . .like. . .Kirby tells me it was like so “Romantic” he saw freakin’ hearts falling from the sky. . .it was probably just hunks of plaster and old paint chips falling from the ceiling, but you can’t tell people nothing when they’re all gooey stupid in love. . .

Okay now. . .here’s the part where that stupid Somebody‘s really starts to screw with me. . . . .so now. . .look. . .of course Zach has to go out to get us our gig at “Pit”. . .I can just see him now. . .you know. . .doing that movie star thing he’s always doing when he walks into a club. . .Hey. . .Hey. . .Over Here. . .yeah. . .It’s Me. . .okay, chill. . .I’m not going anywhere. . .take a Good Long Look. . .Nothing but Eye Candy, baby. . .like I said. . .if he wasn’t my very best friend I’d really, really hate him. . .

Anyway. . .uh. . .What?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .sure. . .okay. . .like, then of course he has to meet this chick named Daisy. . .and of course, she’s got to be a bar-tender at “Pit”. . .like. . .she couldn’t have been just some chick passing through town. . .and of course Zach has to chat her up. . .we’re talkin’ about Zach here, remember?. . .and of course he has to get her number. . . and of course he has to call. . .he wouldn’t be Zach if he didn’t. . .uh. . .okay. . .

. . .of course he has to start sneakin’ out on Kirby. . .I mean, he is Zach, after all. . .of course he has to break up with Kirby when Kirby finds out. . ..Zach says he can‘t go out with someone Who Won‘t Trust Him. . .then that stupid Somebody must have gotten really bored ’cuz it got ugly and stayed that way. . .
. . .so. . .here I am. . .stuck in a stink-hole full of misery. . .and she wants to know what’s the matter?. . .

“Told you, Taylor. . .not doing anything. . .ever again. . .I’m gonna get that Thing so bored it’ll just go away. . .” but Harper Bailey got up and started pacing anyway.
“Harper Bailey. . .you’ve got to stop talking about alien things controlling you. . .you’re going to get yourself locked up in psycho city .”
“Hey. . .Taylor. . .Can I go hang out at your place? ( asked in his best ‘I need a favor’ voice). . .Maybe it won’t be able to find me if I’m not here. . .”
“Harper Bailey. . .are you listening to me?. . .” but Harper Bailey had stopped listening. . .maybe I should dye my hair. . .you know. . .confuse It. . .or maybe learn to meditate and find out what It wants. . .”Harper Bailey!!! Listen to me. . .Nothing is controlling your life. . .Nothing. . .Not Even You. . .you mess up and then say something else made you do it. . .” Luckily, Harper Bailey’s phone went off; he wasn’t in the mood to listen to that mess of criticism.

“Gotta change this stupid ring-tone, it really get’s on my nerves.“ Harper Bailey griped. “Hey. . .Hey. . .did you see wonky phone ringin’ vibes comin’ out of my pants?. . .WHAT?! You don’t gotta STARE at me. . .“
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Taylor was getting seriously worried, now he was seeing things.
“I dunno. . .that Somebody prob’bly gave the Grim Reaper my digits. . .“
“Answer it or turn it off! That clown music is giving me a headache.”
Hesitantly Harper Bailey connected; shout at It, scare it away. . .“YO WHAT!!. .Oh. . .Josh! What up dude. . .no. . .no. . .for real?. . .oh man, that’s Great!. . .oh, sorry. . .I mean. . .like. . .not for you dude. . .yeah, bummer for you. . .but, cool for me. . .whaddya mean cold?. . .I’m not being cold. . .no dude. . .no problem. . .sure. . .com’on with it.” then turning his attention back to Taylor said, “Josh got evicted! Ain’t that Cool?!. . .Not like that. . .he’s gonna move in here. . .like, way cheaper rent for me! COOL, HUH?!. . . So. . .can I go crash at your place ‘til this stupid Somebody leaves me alone or what?”
Taylor rolled her eyes and then shook her head. “There is no ‘Somebody’. . .you’ve got to stop talking about it. . .and. . .sorry, but you can’t crash at my apartment. When have I ever let you in my apartment? You’d just mess it up, stink it up, or break something. . .so no. . .sorry. . .”
“Oh, girl. . .” ( said in his best “Poor pathetic me” voice, which is just a bit whinier than his best “Poor me” voice) . ”. . .dontcha love me no more? You want that Thing should go on messing with me? If I hide at your pad It won’t find me. . .”
“There Is No Thing!” Taylor shouted. “No Thing No Somebody!. . .You need help. . .no, for real, Harper Bailey, you need to go talk to someone. . .You NEED Help!”
“I NEED a drink. . .I NEED a hide-out. . .I NEED a new hair color!. . .I don’t need a shrink!” They both heard shouting coming from just outside; Zach and Kirby, at it again. “Oh. . .crap, crap, crap. . .I NEED A BREAK!”

“. . .what you Are is a Pig, Zach Reynolds. . .a dirty, nasty pig. . .and a big, fat, Player!. . .and. . .and. . .a USER!. . . and I can’t believe I ever let you sleep with me!. . .”
“Let me?! You couldn’t wait. . .and how am I A User?! What did I Use you for?. . .did I get money?. . .a new car?. . .man, did I even get a new pair of threads?. . .naw, man. . .it was just for fun. . . I told you that up front---”
“You Told Me You Loved Me!”
“Well sure I did, I gotta say stuff like that if I’m going to get anywhere. . .Ohhhhh. . .oh, I get it. . .Little Dude, is That your problem?. . .” I know how to fix this, thought Zach.
“Ah, Com’on Little Dude. . .you know I still love you. . .you’re my bro’. . .you’re like my Boy. . .hey. . .no worries. . .okay?. . .if this thing with Daisy don’t work out I’ll let you climb back in my bed again. . .”

“You freakin’ Loser Pig!’ hollered Kirby. “I’m gonna seriously kick your butt if you don’t shut up! ‘Climb back in your Bed‘?. . . Like you‘re doin‘ me some big favor! Look, Zach. . .I‘m not even sure I wanna go on being your friend. . .”
“Dude. . .Dude. . .Chill!!!!. . .HEY! Step off, Little Dude. . .What’re you all bent out of shape about?. . .I had fun, you had fun. . .why all the drama?. . .Oh Look, dude. . .I’m gonna go take a nap. . .you chill out. . .this is freakin’ stupid. . .”

An angry Zach strolled in and flopped on his bed, followed by a sobbing Kirby who wrapped himself around Harper Bailey like a straight-jacket and continued to cry.
“Can you get him to stop that blubbering? I need a nap. . .” mumbled Zach.
“Great way to shovel on the pity, Zach. . .can’t you see he’s crying?” Harper Bailey asked, patting Kirby on the back. “Hey. . .Kirby. . .it’s okay. . .oh. . .uh. . .dude. . . Like hey. . .what‘re you doin‘?. . .Don’t get your snot all over me, okay?. . .this shirt’s still almost clean. . .”
Zach grunted and rolled on his side. “Look, if it’ll shut him up he can come and lay down here with me.”
Kirby gave out a wail, shouted “Loser” and stomped out of the garage.
“What?. . .What’d I say wrong this time?. . .Little Dude’s just way too gone. . .” Zach grumbled and promptly fell asleep.
“Do You See Taylor?. . .See?” and Harper Bailey plopped down on a kitchen chair. Not gonna move. . .nothing can happen if I just sit here doin‘ nothing. “Those two are gonna break my brain if they keep goin’ at it. . .”
“I don’t know why you let them hook up in the first place---”
“UH WHAT?!!!. . .Let Them?. . .Who let them?. . .I told Kirby not to mess with Zach---’
Taylor shook her head. “Then you must have said it wrong. . .’cause. . . look around you, dude. . .”
“ME?!. . .ME?!. . .How’s this ME?!. . .I said; ‘Kirby. . .Do Not Mess With Zach’. . .so it ain’t me. . .it’s that Somebody made all this crap happen. . .”
“OH, I don’t have time for This. . .I’ve got to go to work. Look, Harper Bailey. . .there is no Somebody! FACT!!! No Somebody. Please, honey. . .go get help.”
“Can I PLEASE go crash at your pad?” begged Harper Bailey.
“No.”
“How about I wear a trash bag? Then can I go crash?”
“No. Harper Bailey, if I let you in my apartment I‘ll never get rid of you. . .so NO!”
“Well. . .uh. . .okay. . .Can I have a kiss before you leave?”
“ Uh. . .uh. . .okay. . .but go brush your teeth first. . .”

Oh, man. . .the crap you gotta do for your girl. . .

Harper Bailey went outside to make a call, he didn’t want to wake up Zach. . .wasn’t a courtesy, he just didn’t want to hear anything about anything.
“Hey, Mom. . .oh. . .sorry Dad. . .put Mom on . . .uh-huh. . .naw. . .put Mom on. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .put Mom on. . .huh?. . .no. . .swear. . .put Mom on. . .It ain’t about money. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .can you put Mom on?. . .I said, it ain’t about money. . .please put Mom on. . .IT AIN’T ABOUT MONEY!. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .okay. . .”


“Mommy ( said in his best little boy ‘I love you’ voice) can I come crash . . .No! Don’t ask Dad. . .yeah. . . No. . .No, don’t ask Dad. . .well. . .I’m not supposed to say. . .nope. . .can’t say. . .Just gotta get outta here. . .can’t say. . .Nope, not supposed to talk about it anymore. . .huh?. . .‘cause I don’t wanna end up in Psycho City. . .uh. . .What?. . .the Booby Hatch? Looney Bin? Nut House?. . .look, never mind. . . . so. . .can I?. . .NO!. . .DON’T ASK DAD!!!. . .uh. . .uh. . .told you not to ask. . .yeah, okay. . . Well. . . No Prob’ Bob. . .What?. . .No, Mom, I know your name is Mona. . .it’s a saying. . .no, I didn’t think I was talking to Bob. . .it’s just a saying!. . .I did not. . .I did not. . .Nope. . .Look, I gotta go. . . .”
Ah, Crap. . .well, okay. . .I’ll just go lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. . .what could happen just staring at a ceiling?
Too bored to bother to nap (and too afraid that Somebody might drop a ceiling on him if he laid down) Harper Bailey decided to express himself with paint.
Let’s see. . . .like that color. . .hmmmmm. . . . . . .“Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose. . .” he sang. . .Hey!. . .I hit every note. . .(he hadn’t). . . . . .“Saw you peekin’. . .Know you want me. . .” he sang some more. . .this time he did hit every note. . .in his little tune about Zach there were only four notes. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .do yellow. . .ahhhhh. . .sweet. . .
“Harper Bailey!” Zach shouted from the other room. “I’m going out! Don’t mess with my bed!”
“Uh. . .What?”. . .what’d he say?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .yeah. . .green. . . “Saw you peekin’. . .”
“Don’t Mess With My Bed!” Zach shouted again.
“Bite me!” . . .don’t nobody want to sleep in your dirty old bed anyway. . .prob’bly got cooties. . .old dry drool. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .red. . .no. . .no. . .blue. . .do blue. . .
BLUE?!. . .hey. . .Hey. . .HEY!. . .paint’s kinda like dye. . .
A quick 30 minutes later. . .

Please look good. . .please look good. . .please look good. . .oh damn. . .what d‘I do?. . .please look good. . .hey, think it’s dry. . .
Hey!. . .whatcha know. . .I’m still cute!. . .oh, man. . .Icky. . .is that a pimple?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Blue hair. . .I got me Blue Hair. . .won’t nobody find me now. . .Hehehe. . .too damn smart. . .SWEET!. . .Uh-Oh. . .yep, think that’s a pimple. . .“Saw you peekin’, know you want me. . .you can’t have me. . .da-da-da-da-da. . . .cuz. . .You ain’t nothin’ but a monkey!. . .da-da-da-da-da!!!”
Ooh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .maybe should put some yellow on the ends. . .”you ain’t nothin’ but a monkey. . .saw you peekin’. . .know you want me. . .”. . .Man. . .I need a nap. . .guy can’t be this busy all his life. . .

Sure hope this correctifies things. . .I think that Somebody’s prob’bly up, looking down, so all It’s gonna see is blue. . .and It’ll go. . .like. . .“Hey?!. . .Where’d that Harper Bailey go?. . .Mustta moved out or something“. . .then It’ll just freakin’ leave me the hell alone. . .still need a hide-out. . .just in case. . .“Saw you peekin’, know you want“. . .uh. . .what was I doing?. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .nap. . .Hehehe. . .stoopid. . .
Harper Bailey woke to Josh standing over him, kicking Zach’s bed.
“Dude. . .where you want me to put my stuff?. . .Dragged my mattress in, but it doesn’t look like there’s room for it.”
Harper Bailey squinted up at Josh.
“Dude. . .what you doin’ here? Hey. . .hey. . . Did Kirby come back?. . .Oh. . .Oh. . .Hey Josh!. . .whattcha doin’?” suddenly surprised and happy.
“Harper Bailey! You said I could crash here. . .don‘t you remember?””
“Oh. . .Uh. . .NO . . .When did I say that?. . .OH. . .OH. . .that’s right!. . .Cheap rent for me!. . .Cool. . . Dude, grab you a seat, I gotta go take a pee. . .really, really bad. . .oh yeah real bad. . .think I‘m leakin‘ ”
“I don’t need to know that, dude. Seriously. . .don‘t need to know.”

“We’re gonna have to find some place to put my bed!” Josh shouted over the precise beats he laid down.
“Yeah. . .I like it too!” Harper Bailey shouted back.
Josh stopped drumming. “What do you like?!”
“My hair. . .dude, you gotta keep on top of the conversation. . .”
Josh dropped his sticks and stood up. “Harper Bailey!? I asked--- WHERE DO I PUT MY BED?!!!”
“OH!. . .dude. . .I thought you said you liked what I did to my head. . .you like it dontcha?. . .I think it‘s dope. . .”
“Don’t care---Where’s my bed going?” All he got in return was Harper Bailey singing, “Saw you peekin’. . .”
“Get out of the bathroom and come help me figure out where to put my bed!”
“Hey. . .like. . .if we get rid of them old tires Zach’s always piling up, your bed could fit there. . .”
“I don’t think we ought to mess with Zach’s stuff since he ain’t here. . .”
“PFFFT ! Zach won’t care. . .I’m his very best friend. . .uh. . .what?. . .oh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .dude. . .naw. . .He’ll let me do what I gotta do. . .let me see if I can get somebody to haul them outta here. . .”
Six calls and 1 hour later. . .

“Dude. . .hey. . .Hey. . Look!. . .that funny old man gave me money for them tires! . . . Ah, Sweet!. . . I got me money. . .(sung in his best “got me money” voice). . . I got me money. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Want some pizza?”
“Harper Bailey, that’s not your money. . .that’s Zach’s money.”
“Dude. . .how you figure it? That old guy gave the money to me. . .makes it mine, don’t it?”
“NO!”
“Well. . .Screw that. . .you just don’t know how business works. . .anyway. . .hey. . .hey. . .Want Some Pizza?”
“No. . .look, Harper Bailey; bad enough you got rid of Zach’s crap while he wasn’t here. . .maybe he’ll be okay with it, maybe not. . .but don’t make it worse by keeping his money---”
“Told you. . .ain’t Zach’s money. Look. . .uh. . .If that old guy wanted Zach to have the money. . .Huh?. . . then why’d he give it to me?. . .Hmmmm?. . .Hmmmm?. . .See?. . .My Money. How About That Pizza?”
Josh just stared and shook his head in bewilderment. “You are Straight Up Crazy, Harper Bailey---” but was interrupted by Kirby’s return.

“Hey Kirby. . .sorry about the Zach thing. Somebody should have warned you off him. . .I like the guy, but he’s a player.” Josh said, and gave Kirby a hug to make him feel better.
“Well, Harper Bailey did say something. . . that was mostly about having gas and bloated intestines. . .or something or other. . .can’t say I remember it. . .went on kinda long. . .but thanks. . .I’ll get over it.”
Harper Bailey fumed for a minute, then said; “I told you not to mess with Zach. Told you I’d find you another boyfriend. . .but did you listen?. . .Huh?. . .Did you?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Kirby. . .you like my hair?”
“What did ya do to it? It’s. . .like. . .all blue and crunchy. . .”
Proud as can be, “I painted it!”
“Dude. . .that’s sick. . .I mean for real sick. . .hope it washes out. Uh. . .can I ask why?”
“Sure!” said Harper Bailey, but then remembered Taylor’s warning. Don’t wanna go to Psycho City. . .so. . . Don’t say. . .Don’t say. . .Don’t say. . .uh. . .don’t say what?. . . “So that Somebody won’t recognize me.” Oh, damn it. . .That’s what I wasn’t supposed to say. . .
“What somebody?” both asked in unison.
Keep your freakin’ mouth shut. . .don’t say nothing. . . “Oh. . .just somebody. . .can’t say. . .you know. . .Shhhhhh!. . .it’s a secret. . . Psycho City. . .Shhhhhh!”
“Straight up freakin’ crazy.” Josh muttered and went about storing his gear.
Zach or no Zach, they all decided it was time to practice; “Pit” was only two weeks off.
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .dudes. . .I wrote this new song. . .hey. . .Hey!. . .okay, listen. . .oh, man. . .this is so stupid sick you are like gonna just like go. . .uh. . .mmmm. . .what?. . .Oooh, Okay, you listen, then follow. . .no sweat, dudes, only got four notes. . .okay. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . .I’m telling’ you, it’s sick. . .wait. . .Oh. . .it’s called . . .uh. . .uh. . .Huh?. . .okay, I forget what it’s called. . .but dudes. . .listen. . .

‘Saw you peekin’, know you want me, you can’t have me. . .da-da-da-da-da. . . Cuz. . .you ain’t nothin’ but a monkey. . .da-da-da-da-da. . .saw you peekin’. . .” all sung in an ear-splitting wail.
“Harper Bailey?!! Hey! HEY!. . .STOP IT!. . . What the hell was That?” asked Kirby.
“Oh, man,” said Harper Bailey, grinning from ear to ear. “Stupid sick, huh? Man. . .that’s ART!”
“You Better Hope So, “ said Josh, “’Cause it sure to hell ain’t singing.”
“PFFFT!. . .Anybody can sing. . .I’m makin’ art. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .I know. . .it’s called ‘Monkey Love‘ cuz. . .like. . . I think Zach was tryin’ to peek at me in the bathroom. . .he said he wasn’t, but I think he was. . .you know. . .like. . .he was standin’ at the mirror. . .See?. . . Oooh. . .Uh. . .Oooh. . .And if you pull on his ears he looks just like a monkey. . .no, for real. . . you want I should show you?”
“No, dude,” said Josh. “I don’t need you pullin’ on my ears. Can we find something we can all play? Something that makes sense?”
“Hey!. . .uh. . .HEY!. . .My song makes sense!”. . . Wait. . .what’s the matter with MY song?
“Uh, well. . .gee, Harper Bailey. . .uh. . . maybe to you, “ said Kirby, trying not to use the words ‘It Sucks’. . . “but, hey, maybe we can save it for the end of the show. . .Huh? What else we got?”
“We could do “Running to Stand Still’.“ Harper Bailey suggested.
“Dude! Do you know Any songs from This Century?” asked Josh, wondering why they kept asking Harper Bailey for song suggestions.
“We could do ‘When Time is Stolen’---” Harper Bailey’s second shot at it.
“Harper Bailey. . .we can’t do ballads. . .the band’s called ‘Rage’. . .” whined Kirby.
“How ‘bout I sing them Really Pissed Off?” Harper Bailey asked with a hopeful grin.
Josh smashed his cymbals. “OKAY! I’M DONE!. . . Let’s go out!”
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . . Cool. . .Hey. . .HEY. . . I even got me some money. . .”
They all ended up at ‘Pit‘. Worried, Kirby made a point of telling Harper Bailey, “Look, if that Daisy chick is here, don’t go makin’ some kind of freakin’ weirdness out of it. . .and whatever you do, Harper Bailey. . .Are You Listenin’. . .don’t go tryin’ to hook me up with anybody. . .you got it?. . .Hey. . .dude, are you even listening?”
But Harper Bailey had stopped listening. . .at least to Kirby. . .‘Saw you peekin’, know you want me’. . .what’s the matter with that?’ he wondered. Man. . . it’s genius!. . .“UH. . .What?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Kirby, dude. . .I think I know this song. . .da-da-da-da-da . . .uh. . .oh. . .Oooh. . .naw. . .I don’t know this. . .Kirby, you‘re so funny. . .how come you think I know this song?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . . So, who you think is hot?”
“Harper Bailey?!. . .LISTEN. . .Don’t try to hook me up---”
“Okay. . .I’ll see what I can do. . .” What’s this song? Da-da-da-da-da. . .
“DON’T!. . . I SAID DON’T!”
Hey. . .HEY. . .I Do know this song. . .oh. . .no I don’t. . .wonder if somebody here will let me crash with them? I’m lookin’ cute. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .I got me Blue Hair. . .I got me Blue Hair. . .hey. . .maybe that’s a song. . .OH. . .”Kirby. . .don’t you worry. . .I got my radar on. . .I’ll find you the best freakin’ dude that ain’t Zach. . .”
“DON”T FIND ME NOBODY!!”
Blah-blah-blah, da-da-da-da-da. . .man. . .Oh. . .“You got it dude. . .let me scope it out. . .Hey. . .how come I don’t know this song?”
Harper Bailey didn’t notice Kirby step aside. . .he was still listening to the song he thought he knew but didn’t; . . . hey. . .Hey. . .PFFFT!. . .that’s not even the same song. . .Hmmmmm. . .maybe I need me a Madness Thingy. . .Saw you peekin’ know you want me, but you can’t have. . .pretty sure Zach was peekin’. . .yep. . .pretty sure of it. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .wait. . .uh. . .uh. . .da-da-da-da-da . . . Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Nope. . .Oooh. . .got to find me a hide-out. . .Wait. . .Uh. . .What?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .I need me a drink. . .
“Hey. . .hey you. . .HEY. . .yeah, you. . .your name Daisy?” Harper Bailey asked loudly, pointing his finger in the bartender’s direction.
Daisy took a look up from the drink she was making, “I’m Daisy. . .”
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .you the Daisy Zach’s messin’ with?”
“Well, I wouldn’t call it ‘messin’ with’. . .and would you mind not pointing at me. . .you do know it rude, don‘t you?. . .”
“Pffft. . .it’s just a finger. . .“ he said, but lowered his finger anyway. “Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . . Do you know Kirby? Wanna meet Kirby?“
Josh took a frown and said, “Check yourself, Harper Bailey. . .”
“Hey I just wanted to know is all. . .hey. . .uh. . .like. . .them real?” Harper Bailey asked, pointing once again.
“Look freak, you’ve got one minute to place an order or I’m going to have you bounced. . .”
“Okie-Dokie. . .don’t fly outta your hair. . .I want two Madness Thingys. . .”
Daisy just stared. . .Who is this moron?
“He wants two Big Mistakes. . .” Josh offered.
“Hey. . .HEY KIRBY. . .this here’s Daisy!” shouted Harper Bailey. “What you ask me to do about her?!” but two Big Mistakes were slid in front of him and he forgot all about what he was saying.

Harper Bailey heard Kirby give out a mad scream. . .Hey. . .what’s the matter with little dude?. . .man. . .he needs to learn how to chill. . .
Oh, Madness Thingys. . .Oooh. . .Yay. . .Better get this down fast. . .got me some work to do. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Fuzzy. . .
Why the hell is he always doin’ this crap to me? Kirby wondered, not feeling the least bit better from his meltdown. Didn’t I just tell him to leave it alone? Oh Crap. . .I gotta get outta here before he starts draggin’ fools over here tryin’ to get me married. . .Damn it! Damn it! Damn It! I just needed a nice night out. . .
Uh. . .Uh. . .Hey. . .HEY. . .what if drinkin’ these here thingys make that Somebody show up?. . .maybe. . .uh. . .two make It go away. . .Oh, SWEET! Got me my Fuzzy on. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Got Me Blue Hair. . .Got me Blue Hair. . .hey. . .Hey. . .HEY. . Got me blue hair got same tune like Saw you peekin‘. . .. . .they the same song?. . .Hey. . .Hey. . .why little dude freakin’ out. . .oh. . .yeah. . .he need him a boyfriend. . .PFFFT. . .I find him a way cool dude. . .Hey. . .I find him a dude like me. . .Hehehe. . .nobody be like me. . .Oooh. . .gotta find me a hide-out. . .
Harper Bailey didn’t notice Kirby leave.

“Hey!. . .HEY!. . .Dude. . .you a dude. . .you got you somebody?” . . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . .Hmmmm. . .Where I go?. . .Hmmmm. . .think that Somebody thing still watchin’. . .think I see It. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Pffft. . .that a mirror. . .I need me a hide out. . .”Dude. . .Dude!. . .you need you a boyfriend?. . .”
Yeah. . .uh. . .uh. . .Hey. . .oh. . .need me a hide-out. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .I know this song. . .
The man Harper Bailey was trying to talk to backed up a step. “I’m straight, dude. . .don’t need you.”
“PFFT. . .it ain’t me dude. . .I got me this friend. . .Hey. . .HEY. . .you let me crash with you?. . .Look. . .uh. . .What?. . .Oh. . .got me this secret. . .not suppose to say. . .you know. . .Psycho City, dude. . .Shhhhhh!. . .Psycho City. . .Huh?. . .Huh? You feel me?”
“I don’t know What you just said, dude. . .beat it. . .”
But Harper Bailey had stopped listening. . .Hey. . .I know me this song. . .and he wandered away.
“I don’t mean to be rude,” Daisy said, watching Harper Bailey walk into a table. “But. . .Is your friend. . .um. . .Special?”
Josh gave a chuckle. “Yeah, I’d call him special. . .but not in the way you mean. He rides the big bus. . .he’s just. . .Harper Bailey, is all. . .he’s alright. . .doesn’t mean any harm. . .he’s just straight up freakin’ crazy.”
“Oh. . .I think he’s talking to the coat rack. . .”
Another chuckle. “Could be.”
Closing time emptied the club and Harper Bailey still thought he needed a good hide-out. Making matters worse, all his fuzzy glow was wearing off, and he was really beat. . .
Hey. . .uh. . .HEY. . .it be that dude keep smilin’ at me. “Dude. . .hey. . .dude. . .you want I should crash with you?”
The man didn’t know exactly what ‘crash with you’ meant, but he hoped it might mean “come home” with him. This messy kid was cute and the man had been trying to get his attention all night.
“Look Kid, people usually introduce themselves first. . .my name’s Barry . . .”
Harper Bailey just stared, a smile on his face. . .Where my fuzzy go?. . .maybe dude got me more fuzzy at his pad?. . .hope so. . .hey. . .uh. . .he smile at me. . .think I got me a hide-out. . .
”Okay, Kid. . .now your turn. . .your name is. . .?”
“Oh. . .uh. . .Sorry dude, uh. . .Oooh. . .I’m Harper Bailey. . ..NOW you want I should crash with you? Right?. . .I need me a place. . .don’t got me no place. . .hey. . .uh. . .uh. . .like, you got fuzzy?. . .Huh?. . .Fuzzy?. . .Right?”
Well, at least Barry figured out what “crash with” meant. . .he couldn’t guess what “fuzzy” might be. . .he hoped it wasn’t a hairy chest. . .he didn’t have one.
“I had me fuzzy. . .“ Harper Bailey happily babbled on. “Madness Thingys went away. . .only bought me two. . . Drank ‘em.”
Oh! He wants another drink. I can do that, thought Barry.
“Look, I can’t have a cute kid like you being homeless . . .I live with a bunch of people, though, so you’re gonna have to be quiet. . .. . .
“Okay. . .Shhhhhh. . .I make me a secret. . .okay?. . .Shhhhhh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .dude. . .I got me a secret. . .wanna hear?. . .”
“Sure. . . a little later. Please don’t call me dude. . .think you can manage Barry?” Have to give this kid a bath. . .what’s in his hair?. . .another drink might be a very bad idea. . .
“Okie-Dokie. . .Barry. . .hey. . .Hey. . .ummm. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .that be like strawberry?. . .blueberry?. . .You be like a blueberry?. . .Hey. . .Hey. . .Look. . .I got me Blue Hair. . .”
“Yes, yes. . .I can see that. . .and No, not like a blueberry. . .just Barry. . .Come on, let me get a cab.”
“You real nice mister. . .Shhhhhh. . . HEY. . .Somebody keep messin’ with me. . .”
“What do you mean? Are you in trouble? Are you a criminal?” Barry thought he might have to rethink this.
Hey!. . .uh. . .What?. . .HEY!. . .What he think I be?. . .”No dude. . .I ain’t no crim’nl. . .just this Somebody keep messin’ up my life. . .that why I need me a place. . .See? I ain’t got me no place to go he can’t find me. . .(then in his best “poor me” voice). . .you make it so that Somebody don’t find me. . .right?. . .You don’t want that Somebody hurtin’ me no more. . .Do ya?”
Oh, the poor kid. . .”Of course I don’t want you to get hurt. . .come on, let’s go to my place.”
“Real nice place, dude. . .” Harper Bailey said, trying to look around the place Barry brought him to without making himself dizzy.
“Uh. . .this is the lobby. . .and please stop calling me dude. We have to take the elevator up to my apartment. . .are you alright? You look a little sick.”
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . .du---Barry. . .strawberry. . .Barry. . .uh. . .uh. . .What?”
“I said you look sick--”
“Oooh. . .thanks. . . you too man. . .and you be stupid sick for doin’ me this. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .you got you cookies?”
Stupid Sick? What could that mean? Is he saying I’m idiotically insane for bringing him home? And Cookies? “Uh. . .is ‘Cookies’ another kind of ‘Fuzzy’?” Barry really wished this kid spoke English. Maybe he was a foreigner. . .
“Oh. . .uh. . .like. . . NO. . .“ What the matter with this dude? “Cookies is cookies. . .Hey. . .uh. . .Where you from? You from here?. . .cuz. . . You ain’t. . .like. . . understandin’ nothin’. . .you want I should talk slower?”
Confused, Barry said, “I don’t think that would help--”
“Ahhhhh. . .uh. . .hmmmmm. . .I see. . .no sweat. . .uh. . . you can’t help it. . . Oh. . .uh. . .Barry. . .uh. . .hey. . .hey. . .where you live around here?”

“I told you. . .Just upstairs. . .Look, Harper, are you alright--“
“Harper Bailey. . .Hey. . .I’m Harper Bailey. . .” said as bright and happy as he always said it.
”Oh. Harper Bailey. . .isn’t Bailey your last name?”
“PFFFT !. . .No way. . .why you think that? You a funny man. . .”
“Alright. . .uh. . .Sure; I’m funny. Look, Harper Bailey, I’ve got to get up early for work. . .let’s go up to bed before it get’s too late. . .”
“You know Madness Thingys? You give me one?” Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . hope so. . .oh. . .hey. . .I don’t see no bed. . . .Hey. . .HEY. . .He ain’t got no furniture. “Dude. . .Barry. . .you need you some furniture. You ain’t got none.”
“Kid. . .This Is The Lobby. . .I live upstairs. Come on, get in the elevator.” This kid better be worth it; he’s starting to get on my nerves.

“Mi casa es su casa,” Barry said when they came through the apartment door.
“Hey. . .uh. . .Say What?. . .“. .What he say?. . .Oh, yeah. . .he ain‘t from here. . .Hey. . .he swearin‘ at me? “ Dude Barry. . .You mad at me or somethin’. . .what that mean? Casa mi su?. . .”
“What? No, I‘m not mad at you. . .. .Oh, that means ‘My house is your house’. . .”
“Barry. . .dude. . .Oh My God!. . .Oh My God!. . .Thanks!. . .Nobody gimme no house before. . .”. . .Sweet! Got me a house. . .ah. . .he so nice. . .
“What?!. . .Kid. . .it’s a saying, you know. . .an expression. I’m not giving you a house. . .it just means make yourself comfortable. Look, kid, is there something Wrong with you?”
Why everythin’ all loud and bangy?. . .I gotta lay down. . . Why he take my house back ?. . .Geez. . .it be so freakin’ loud up in here. . .“No. . .uh. . .why you shoutin’?. . .everythin’ So Loud. . .Barry. . . Dude. . .where the bed?”. . .crap. . .gotta lay down. . .world all spinny. . .dude all blurry. . .oh. . .uh. . .where my fuzzy go?. . .
“Hey kid; I hope this doesn’t sound rude, but. . .you’re going to have to take a shower before we fool around. You’re just a little bit smelly right now. . .Here, let me help you out of those clothes.”
“Dude. . .Barry. . .I don’t feel so good. . .think I gonna puke. . .Hey. . .you comin’ on to me?. . . “ . . .think this dude tryin’ to sleep with me. . .Oh. . .Oh?. . .Oooh?!. . .Oooh!!!!!. . .”Hey. . .oh Barry dude. . .I ain’t Kirby. . .you want I should call Kirby? . .Barry. . .dude. . .I gotta lay down. . .”
Kirby? Who’s Kirby? wondered Barry. “Kid. . .did I get the signal crossed? Are you straight?”
“Straight?. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .yeah, straight. . .mmmm. . .straight. . .Straight Up Freakin’ Crazy. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Barry. . .dude. . .sorry, I don’t do guys. . .hey. . .you want I should meet you Kirby?. . .don’t mess with Zach. . .he’s a pig. . .dude. . .I gotta lay down. . .”
Barry helped Harper Bailey to the bedroom, helped him out of his shoes and pants and helped him curl up on the bed.
“Look, kid. . .you sleep it off. . .I’ll help you find your friends when you wake up. I‘m going to wash these pants, kid. . .they‘re kind of dirty.”
“You sweet. . .( mumble. . .mumble. . .mumble ). . .Kirby be sweet. . .(mumble. . .mumble. . .mumble. . .snort). . .Got Me Blue Hair. . .( mumble. . .mumble. . .mumble. . .) . . .dude. . .Barry. . .you real sweet. . .” Snore.
Might have been fun, thought Barry and he went to toss the filthy jeans in the wash and then go sleep on the couch.
“Kid, are you Sure this is where your friends live? It‘s just some boarded up garage.” Barry asked later that afternoon after driving Harper Bailey all around the city. “We’ve stopped at a lot of places already; you sure they live here?”
“Sure I’m sure. Barry. . .dude. . .think I know where I live.”
“Wait a minute; You live here? You said you were homeless--”
“Dude Barry. . .no I didn’t. . .uh. . . When’d I say that?. . .Hey. . .uh. . .you ain’t from here, so. . .like . . .maybe you misunderstand. . . Huh?. . .You think maybe?”
Barry had to shrug and shake his head. “Well, maybe. . .I have to admit I don’t understand most of what you say. . .But, if you know you live here, why did we go to all of those other places? And why do you keep saying I‘m not from here? I was born here in Bridgeport.”
”Oh. . .for real?. . . I thought you said you from Casa Mi Su. . uh. . .Oh. . .uh . . .that other thing. . .uh. . .I just like had me some stuff to do. . .you real nice for driving me. . .hey. . . Uh. . . uh. . Oooh. . .Oooh. . .wanna meet Kirby?”
“Well, sure, I guess. I don’t have a lot of time left though.”

. . .Damn it. . .of course. . .first freakin’ thing Dude Barry has to see is pig Zach in a towel. . .crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. . .I know That Look. . .
“This here’s Zach. . .he ain’t sweet. . .Zach, this here’s Dude Barry. . .”
“Oh, cool.” said Zach, giving Barry the once over. “How do you know Harper Bailey?”
“I took him home with me last night--”
“Hey, Harper Bailey. . .something you aren’t telling me?” Zach asked with a smirk.
“Not like that,” said Barry.
“Not Like What?” asked Harper Bailey. “Where’s Kirby? He’s for Kirby.”
They heard the toilet flush, they heard the water running in the sink. . .then Kirby came into the room.
“Hey Kirby. . .this here’s Barry. . .told you I’d find you a boyfriend. . .”
Zach yelped, “What?!” Kirby groaned, ”Oh my god. . .” and Barry said, startled, “Kid, I just met him--”
“Yeah. . .huh?. . .cool all around.” said Harper Bailey.
It only took a few more minutes before Barry decided he just had to leave.
“Dude Barry. . .you want my digits? You want Kirby’s?”
“I’m not sure what you mean. ‘Digits‘?” He sure wished he understood what this kid was talking about; Harper Bailey seemed like a friendly little guy--
“Do you want his phone number?” Zach said, rolling his eyes. Dweeb, he thought. I’m way better than this dweeb.
“Oh, sure.” said Barry.

“I think he’s cute,” said Kirby after Barry had left.
“I think he’s a geek,” said Zach, offended.
“Oooh. . .Look at somebody scared about something,” said Harper Bailey.
“Bite me, Harper Bailey,” said Zach. “Hey. . .Where’s My Money!”
“See. . .uh. . .that Somebody got fooled. . .least I think It did. . .I mean. . .like. . .hey. . .stuff worked out. . .nothin’ bad happened. . .well, okay. . .some stuff bad happened. . .uh. . .What?. . .Hey. . .no it didn’t. . .okay. . .maybe. . .but, like,. . .not to me. . .Dude Barry gave me a place to hide. . .got me my Blue Hair. . .which is sick, huh?. . .and Kirby got him a new boyfriend. . .okay, like. . .maybe not a new boyfriend . . .well. . .Uh. . .Uh. . .Huh?. . .What?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .hey. . .but Zach got himself a jealous. . .and you gotta ‘preciate that. . .like. . .uh. . .don’t ya?. . .”
“Harper Bailey?. . .What are you doing?” he heard Pepper ask.
“Hey Pepper. . .when did you get there?. . .I’m just thankin’ the people for stoppin’ by and visitin’ me. . .only be a minute. . .uh. . .hey. . .uh. . .where was I?. . .oh. . .yeah. . .we‘re practicing real hard. . .sorta. . . I got me my new song---”

“Harper Bailey?. . .What People?”

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#7ShokkyOct 19, 2011

A great story!

#8fruitopiaVIPOct 19, 2011

Sitting at my desk reading this during my lunch break, laughing.  Good read, Harper is a cool dude.  Congrats.

#9isarpgistaOct 19, 2011

Zach is heartless! \:wacko\: And Harper Bailey is kinda adorable! xD Great story! \:\)

#10Nemesis_3050Oct 20, 2011

I love your story .... "It is growing" reallllly realllly well ^^

#11spitzmagicOct 20, 2011

OMG \:DThis is sooooo..like...you know..uh..yeah..like entertaining. I wonder though if Harper has a brain tumor..  I have this really odd feeling that you have something planned here that we just can't see yet..it's there though in your peripheral vison just a hint of a shadow that hasn't quite formed yet...Congrats on this featured chapter my friend \:D

#12fabrizioammolloOct 20, 2011

Congrats on the feature. I really can understand Barry, our Harper Baily's slang is quite peculiar, isn't it? And yes he is a step closer then other people to madness, but you know sometimes insanity lets you see things hidden to the wise. \:rah\:

#13martoeleOct 21, 2011

It is hilarious but he's getting on my nerves if I read the story in one 'go'. \:rolleyes:  I think I could be that 'somebody who would drop a ceiling on him while sleeping' (pic.19). \:ph34r\: Orlov I hope that Harper Bailey's not a self-portrait of yours... :P  Anyway.... congratulations on the feature! \:cool\:

#14RatRaceRobOct 21, 2011

Have to say... besides the overall LMAO... the glimpses into what others are thinking while talking to our under-achieving hero are hilarious.  That entire exchange with Barry (you know, the 'normal' dude) was just priceless (Barry does seem a safer pick for Kirby than Zach \;\) ).  Oh, and Harper Bailey, PIPS is a very nice sort of Psycho City, and don't worry if you can't afford it-- they do take on charity cases from time to time, when the illness is as interesting as yours \:ph34r\: .  Once again, truly eeexcellent screens, and this series continues to entertain me to no end  \:P \:wub\: \:rah\:

#15fredbrennyOct 23, 2011

\:D \:D  Maybe learning to meditate IS a good option for HB. My goodness... He needs some real help from a real pro. Pips sounds pretty good, but a Zen trip to China might work too \:D \:D Now this Zach ...dude... He cannot decide what side of the road he wants to travel on right? Not a real man... a user and a total egocentric Something... not my type. LOL hahahaha.... Please get the guys an old washer or something, so I cannot smell them through the screen anymore. LOL.... Oh...oh. and Dude Barry, so cool! Harper Bailey is not rom this world, I am sure of it now. Hahahaha. Hilarious chapter, Cooliest screens and ah man, dude... I LOL-ed the whole way through! Thanks! ((((R))))   you are amazing ! \:wub\: And congrats on the feature! \:rah\:

#16MangioOct 29, 2011

Congrats on the feature \:rah\: It must've taken all ounce of Barry's self control just to handle and be near Harper \:D He really needs to stop with those madness thingys and speak properly.. poor guy couldn't understand a word he said. Can't wait for more \;\)

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