Make someone Worse-Than-You today
It's been a while - a LONG while!
I hate gardening. I mean I REALLY hate gardening. If I lived in an apartment, my upstairs neighbours would by now be complaining about my weeds blocking their window daylight. However, no-one lives above me to complain and I don't have to look at it. It's not MY problem if my neighbours find it fruitful to glare at my urban rainforest, but it IS my problem that everyone else has Posh Gardens, because they only do this to make me the Worst Neighbour. They are trying to make me Worse Than Them.
So I've made this deluxe gardening set. It's designed purely to make someone else's garden look worse than yours. When someone is Worse Than You, you will feel fulfilled, you will sleep easily, you will be fantastic-looking, intelligent and very rich, so make someone Worse Than You today by crushing their prize geraniums with a nasty old cement mixer. To be published next week.